Fiesta: fi·es·ta, n. The week long celebration where Katrinas get fat.

It was in the time of dragons, cauldrons, castles, worts, fairies, and all other things that surely existed in the 1500s, that Magellan sailed the oceans of the soon-to-be-discovered round world. Somewhere between Spain and Spain again, the good Catholics of Magellan's crew landed on Limasawa, Southern Leyte Province, Philippines (mere kilometers from my humble home), and held the first mass in this previously un-Westernized landscape. In its wake came war, the supression of a previously tribal culture, and an exploitation of natural resources - not necessarily in that order. Most significant, however, is that this very first mass was the precurser to what would become the most culturally significant remnant of the Spanish Era in the Philippines, hands down: FIESTA.

Depending on where you are in the Philippines, Fiesta is celebrated in different ways. In the northern provinces in Luzon, the Spanish inlfuence is little or nil, and often times fiesta represents a sort of mystical and spiritual celebration of the sea, the land, and man's relationship with the god(s) of nature. Don't ask me though. I live in the Visayas where Catholicism holds strong, and in these parts fiesta is a celebration of the patron saint of a municipality. Traditionally, there consists a week of religious and cultural activities, including singing, dancing, and naturally the excessive drinking of the native coconut wine, which, for any interested parties, will absolutely floor you. As if that weren't enough, each barangay, which is an even more localized government unit within a municipality, has its own saint and respective fiesta. I am not Catholic, so I don't really know how many saints there are, but judging from all of the fiestas I have attended in my brief 4 months in country, the number is somewhere in the "A Lot" range.

Aside from the fiesta celebrated by each of the 20 barangays in my municipality, the municipality of Hindang itself celebrates fiesta twice: once in May when many balik bayans, or emigrants, are visiting on summer vacation, and the other September 28, the actual date of Fiesta. I understand the logic for having two fiestas, I do. These are a family-oriented people, and they want their cultural activities to be available to all; but I also suspect they like a good party, and two times the better, right?....which makes me love this town even more.

Fiesta kicked off with a beauty pageant on Tuesday night, beginning promptly at 7:30 in the evening and continuing until the decent hour of 2 a.m., with yours truly as an honored judge. While some readers may find the term "beauty pageant" offensive and would instead prefer I refer to the activity as a "talent contest," they will just have to suffer. Lets not kid ourselves. This was all about looks. As I quoted to my parents in a recent e-mail, I've seen less talented people, but not many.

There is a high value placed on looks here, one that even trickles into the poorest members of the populace. You don't have to be beautiful, per se, but you must be well kempt - combed hair, nice clothes, makeup, the works. The value is, at times, so high that, yeah, they have contests during fiesta to celebrate it. And so I was witness to my first beauty pageant, where I, the white lady - one of the most beautiful of them all - judged who was prettiest and who was ugliest, who looked hot in her street jeans, and who had the tackiest, gaudiest, poofiest evening wear of them all - the clear winner.

Contestant number 3 sweeped in my rankings. She didn't do so well in the street jeans competition, but my, my, my, during the sportswear aspect she really beat the bunch in her bikini top, hot pants, stiletto knee-high boots, camo hat, and authentic semi-automatic sniper rifle. To answer your question, no, I'm not kidding. I could only imagine my father's horror if he were there to witness her point it at us judges in a playful pose, and fake the recoil as she fake-pulled the trigger. While she continued to strut in her full military regalia as only a beauty pageant contestant knows how, I can still hear the mantra of my youth in my head: "You treat every gun as if it were real." Its best that my father wasn't there when the second girl came out with her shotgun, of which I'm only fairly certain that the safety was on. There are safety's on shotguns, right?

Between each competetion were local high school students dancing with the skill of plastic dolls whose knees and appendages cannot bend. There was also singing. I don't even know how to describe the singing. I imagine you must be a parent to appreciate the efforts of untalented youth, but seeing as I am not one of those, I will just hold my tongue.

I'd like to tell you who won the pageant, but it was just too long for me to stay. I jetted out at about 1 a.m. to catch some sleep before Wednesday's coronation of the fiesta King and Queen 2005 - another tradition that runs entirely too long. I gave a speech at that one, which was welcomed with applause, although I can't be sure my fractured Cebuano was understood by the crowd. They certainly were polite, though.

The following day was the actual day of fiesta, and I took part in the town parade, walking alongside the Mayor, Vice Mayor, and, at times, screming and giggling children who just couldn't get over the fact that a real live American was walking on the street next to them. I also danced a jig with the local government unit (Mayor and Vice Mayor included) in front of about 1,500 people, further cementing my status as "that fluent Cebuano-speaking American girl who is also a really good dancer." If it wasn't mentioned previously, the Filipino perception of my skills in all aspects of life is greatly inflated, which only scores the Pinoys more points in my logbook.

Between the dancing and the judging the was, of course, the constant intake of high-fat, high-calorie foods that might give someone in poorer health a heart attack by sheer proximity. The traditional foods include Lechon, or whole roasted pig; pigs feet; fried lumpya, much like egg rolls; rice; rice; rice; various pig insides; no vegetables; fried bananas (my favorite); and Coke as the beverage of choice, or Coke and beer if you're a sneaky old lady. My, I do love fiesta.