Shmy-phoons

Shortly after I first found out I was going to be assigned to the Philippines, I remember picking up a newspaper and reading "Bomb in crowded mall kills Christmas shoppers in Philippines." Not long after, some boat somewhere sank because of yet another bomb. In the month before I left there was news of both a landslide that killed hundreds, and pesticide poisoning that killed nearly 100 school children.

Imagine you are about to leave to a foreign country and you read these things: bombs; natural disasters; mass poisonings; unsafe transportation. How excited are you to jump on a plane to a tiny country where typhoid, dengue, and falariasis also abound? Falariasis, for those who aren't in the know, is the irreversible swelling of certain body parts to gargantuan size; my island is tested positive for the mosquito that carries it. If I wouldn't be killed, I would be deformed for life. Awesome.

Worried that I'd made a fatal choice by simply wanting to be good and volunteering in a foreign land, I decided to settle my fears. I decided to look at the causes of fatality of former volunteers to prove that they were completely implausible.

MISTAKE.

Acute pancreitis. Scorpion bite. Swimming in typhoon. Motorcycle crash. Bus robbing.

Having never left my own country with questionable security to live in a country with even greater questionable security, I was concerned. Not visibly, but emotionally very concerned. I was going to die. I'mgoingtodie I'mgoingtodie I'mgoingtodie I'mgoingtodie. This was my thought on the entire 18 hour flight.

Upon arrival, however, I found myself able to walk around without being jumped from behind by a masked assailant. Nothing fierce with teeth or claws mauled me - only mosquitoes bit. And water? Poisoning? We drank bottled!!

Did you know that people don't die in freak accidents all the time here? Because the way I figured it, they did. But no, they don't, and in fact most people live long enough for the high-fat diet and lack of exercise to kill them. It's amazing!

I consider myself a fairly bright kid. I know that the beautiful actors who die in medieval war movies aren't actually dead in real life and stuff like that. I know you can't believe everything you see, and I'm smart enough to know that sometimes you have to find truth instead of having it shown to you.

All of these things I understand, but when it comes to my health and safety I become a bit irrational. Anyone would, and many have. Blinded by my own concerns and fears for my health, I lost my "filter" button and didn't put what I was reading into context. My concern with the many ways I was going to die became an irrational fear. Don't you laugh, because I have had more than one e-mail from home that mirrored my past sentiments: Katrina, a landslide hit somewhere. Are you okay? Katrina, a boat sank, were you on it? Etc. and so forth.

I'm not writing this to mock anyone who cares about me. I write this now because a typhoon is coming, the 21st of the year, and I just want to make sure that everyone knows that this is one of those times when they should check the functionality of their "pointless worrying" filters. The warning I got went something like this: To hit land today. Distance 185 kilometers. Winds 240 kph. Waves 41 feet. Signal 4 Camarin Del Sur, Catanduanes, Albay, Sorsogon....

Forty-one foot waves?!?

The typhoon will be hitting today, apparently. Last night, they called it a SUPER TYPHOON on the news, although today the status is downgraded to just the really strong variety. Signal 4 it is, which is one signal away from signal five, which is super. But not good super. Bad super.

I've never been in a typhoon, probably never will be. I'm not even concerned by the warnings much anymore, because so rarely do they come this far south. Whenever there is a warning, I try my best to be on the mainland and use the opportunity to mag-internet all day.

Someone somewhere just sent me a concerned e-mail about how long I could hold onto a palm tree in the impending storm before blowing away to my horrid and tragic death. I call that excessive. Remember always that the news tends to get people excited and fearful by reporting everything with EXCLAMATION MARKS AND CAPITOL LETTERS!!!! The truth remains that even small countries are big, and also that I'm better prepared than one might think. We have warning systems and emergency action plans, and when all else fails we can use the tin can-phone system that I ingeniously devised.

It's probably a better idea to channel the energy that it takes to worry into the energy it takes to send me a bar of chocolate. I'm fine, and as much as I appreciate the concern, I much prefer chocolate.

So don't worry, if that's what you were doing. I got two years of worrying done with way back when I was researching the many ways in which I can die here. Like I said, the high fat diet is far more dangerous. Perhaps you shouldn't send the chocolate.